Why Me?

If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.
 (Mt 16:24; Mk 8:34)




I invited God into my life after college. In reality, God has always been part of my life. I grew up in a great Catholic family. My parents were awesome faithful people. They were great examples to me of people who prayed and worked. They loved God and lived it. They owned their own small business and ran it as a Catholic. They were closed on Sundays. They closed their store from noon to three on Good Friday. They served their customers and raised seven children from the proceeds. They sent all seven to twelve years of Catholic school. They were involved in the faith and civic community. I witnessed them treat everyone with respect. They were great people and highly respected in the community. You would think that they would be spared suffering. Yet, my mother suffered with brain cancer for two years before she died. My father had to experience his bride be diagnosed with a fatal illness before he died of a heart attack.

It is no secret that Karol Wojtyla (St John Paul I I ), as a young man and even during the early years of his pontificate, was a picture of health, vigor and vitality. As an athlete skilled in soccer, swimming, canoeing and skiing, he exhibited a great physical presence. In the early 90s, however, a series of health problems began to take their toll. In 1992, the pope had colon surgery, involving removal of a noncancerous tumor. The next year he fell and dislocated a shoulder. In 1994, he suffered a broken femur in another fall. An appendectomy followed in 1996. During these years, moreover, a Parkinson-like condition, if not the disease itself, began to reveal its visible effects. 

When confronted with suffering, most of us desperately seek answers to the question Why? Why me? Why now? Why in this unexpected form? The pope, in his letter "On the Christian Meaning of Suffering", states that Christ does not really give us an answer to such questions, but rather a lived example. When we approach Christ with our questions about the reason for suffering, we cannot help noticing that the one to whom we put the questions is himself suffering and wishes to answer…from the Cross, from the heart of his own suffering…Christ does not explain in the abstract the reasons for suffering, but before all else he says: ‘Follow me!’ Come! Take part through your suffering in this work of saving the world…. Gradually, as the individual takes up his cross, spiritually uniting himself to the Cross of Christ, the salvific meaning of suffering is revealed before him.”

In retrospect the life of suffering for a follower of Jesus begins on day one. For me, I risked my job on day one. I found out right away that being a follower of Jesus means laying down your life for others. Suffering for others. In married life, I have had to battle selfishness and find ways to serve Jan. As a father, countless times of dragging myself out of bed in the middle of the night for my children. Having to clean up throw-up and a whole laundry list of emergencies that can befall children day or night. It was suffering for me to take second jobs so Jan could stay home to homeschool our children. It meant a lot less time at home with the kids. It was a suffering for me, but something that we felt would be very powerful for our children.

Suffering can take many forms. The cross can be physical suffering like a chronic disease. Since her thirties, Jan has dealt with Fibromyalgia which is a disorder characterized by widespread muscle  pain accompanied by fatigue, and sleep issues. It amplifies pain by affecting the way your brain processes pain signals. It impacts her every day, and yet, over the years she managed to run a homeschool and volunteer for several organizations. Now, she battles it as she takes care of me. It has been difficult for her. She is in pain every day as she changes me and has to physically flip and move me. She is living out our marriage vows. She doesn't have to do it. But, as a follower of Jesus you must do things that "you didn't sign up for".

  "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5

I have taught teens for several decades about suffering. I have taught them that everyone will suffer. I taught them to ask God to help them in their time of suffering. In addition, we are called to be the hands, feet, and voice of Jesus to those who suffer. Suffering is complicated. Jesus uses someone's  suffering to impact a myriad of people. For me, he has used my suffering to impact thousands of people in ways beyond my comprehension. It has intensely impacted my wife and children directly on a daily basis. It has greatly impacted my extended family. Beyond family, it has impacted our friends, churches, and co workers in ministry. Then, thousands of strangers through a variety of means including word of mouth, magazine and newspaper articles. Last summer, I was supposed to give a talk at the Diocese of Joliet Youth Leadership Conference. A couple of days before the Conference, I fell and ended up in the hospital. They had to find someone else to give the talk. I didn't know how many days that I would be in there. I was released in time, so I went to the conference for awhile and a young lady walked up to me and said that I saved her life.  

As much as God is using my suffering in ways that I can't fathom, it sucks! I cry about it many times a week. As much as I Love God and want to serve him to my dying breath, I have yelled and screamed at God many times. I always turn back to him and ask for forgiveness. I have lost much over the last eighteen months. I can no longer hug and kiss my wife. I can't hug my kids nor tease them. I can't serve them, but be served. I can no longer minister to people and be present to them in the way that I am used to doing. I can only offer up my suffering for them. I pray that God is using it in powerful ways. I can't walk, talk, sing, eat, drink, or scratch my nose. I ask God to heal me every day not for my sake, but for my family. Yet, I serve a mighty God who is using this suffering for a purpose greater than myself. I will run the race to the end, and await the feast with a fork in my pocket. Well, you have save your fork for the dessert. 


Oh, Lord, my God, when I in awesome wonder
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder
Thy power throughout the universe displayed

Then sings my soul, my Saviour God, to Thee
How great Thou art, how great Thou art
Then sings my soul, my Saviour God, to Thee
How great Thou art, how great Thou art
And when I think of God, His Son not sparing
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in
That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing
He bled and died to take away my sin
Then sings my soul, my Saviour God, to Thee
How great Thou art, how great Thou art
Then sings my soul, my Saviour God, to Thee
How great Thou art, how great Thou art
When Christ shall come with shout of acclamation
And lead me home, what joy shall fill my heart
Then I shall bow with humble adoration
And then proclaim, my God, how great Thou art
Then sings my soul, my Saviour God, to Thee
How great Thou art, how great Thou art
Then sings my soul, my Saviour God, to Thee
How great Thou art, how great Thou art

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